It’s almost my birthday.
My very zeroeth birthday, the big zero zero,
and it’s going to be glorious.
They said the keeper of life would be in attendance,
someone named air, just air,
I guess when you get that high up, it doesn’t matter what you’re heir of or heir to,
because you’re, well, everywhere,
pushing against the wall of lungs telling them to
coming and going through the heart’s chambers teaching them what commitment is-
intangible and difficult but essential for anything to stay intact, to keep alive-
breathing into each beat,
“I will be back,
I will be back,
I know sometimes you feel like the weight of the entire world teeters right on top of your head
and your lungs don’t possibly have the capacity to keep gasping for air underneath the pressure,
and I know sometimes you keep running, trying to catch me, but if you’d just pause for a second and rest you’ll see that
I will be back,”
In fact, I can’t wait for every birthday
if it means I can encounter the faithful heir.
You know what they say- you can’t be zero forever, but…
I’m scared to age.
To grow accustomed to breathing,
start wagering breath like poker chips,
gambling off pockets of air while counting heartbeats like cards,
A royal flush of thirty, forty, fifty years,
Collecting suits of diamonds rather than hearts.
No more granting wishes on my birthday,
if it means I start taking each day for granted, I
need to remember where I came from- age zero.
And only because of air, the precious heir that some people on this earth so rightly call Jesus,
can I even begin to age to year one.
OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY
i’ve been thinking for a while about getting into bird watching as a hobby, trying quite unsuccessfully to identify backyard birds but still reading any bits and pieces that i could about those little flying creatures; this avid intrigue of them has just strangely seized me .. and then i came home to parents who had ALSO been strangely struck with the bird-watching urge, and my dad has been faithfully tearing up old pieces of bread and donuts and lying them out on the railing of our back porch, and our family dinners have been often interrupted with one of us squealing in sheer joyful exclamation “A BIRD! A BIRD” or “HE’S BACK!!” or “WOW THAT SQUIRREL IS HUGE!” or “HEEHEEHEE SO CUTE SO CUTE”
when i told my parents that the birds in rebecca’s backyard would wait in line to eat from the birdfeeder, my dad exclaimed, “WOW! birds are more civilized than chinese people!” to which my mom happily responded, “oh come on, i’m chinese and i’m civilized!”
i don’t know, there’s just something about how they always wake up with each day’s rising sun with a song that can’t help but to burst forth, how they without fail can find their way back home no matter how far away you bring them or how you might try to disorient them.
anyways, i bought the the feeder today, and when i put it out there it was as if the entire forest of birds was chirping with curious excitement. oh boy, oh boy, with what great anticipation do we wait for the first bird to come feast on these delicious seeds.
here begins, again, the journey of rediscovering the joys of blogging, of sharing life through the means of writing.
last week, i was with all these college folks that somewhere along the way during those frantic and uncomfortable college years had become my closest friends. true, i had only just met or gotten to know some of them, but the bond between christians is steel, that of a blood-bought, transformational love, and we spent a week marveling over the goodness of our Savior, tasting bits of glory on this earth, enjoying each other’s presence on the beach precisely because we knew humans to be immortal image-bearers of God and thus weighty, important, of matter.
y’all, how God wrung out every drop of apathy from me that week and let it wash away in the vast blueness of an ocean; i’m sure it turned a little blacker. but it’s as if i can see again. my fingers are remembering how to touch the pages in the Good Book, letting the words print themselves on my heart, my goodness it is comforting. my smile is remembering why it smiles. my heart remembers why it beats with such vigor.
all the bad things in this world are passing (PASSING!!!!) and all the good things will be here, forever, except better, restored to their original function and able to finally, finally bear the weight of God’s glory without being absolutely destroyed. oh, to long for a world where sorrow and grief will be no more, where every good gift better than mine i will no longer envy but rather praise because of how it enhances the wonder of Christ, where there will be an upward, never-ending spiral of childlike joy and awe, where my best days on earth will feel strangely like a bad dream, where every molecule will glorify God and all the energies of the holy spirit fully released!! shucks, there won’t be any more girls who are forced into slavery! no more!
to think that God would conceal His glory so that He could walk on earth and commune with His creation, making himself nothing, the ultimate payment for our hell-deserving wrongs, SO THAT we could become everything, restored, one day perfectly communing with the divine. yes, yes, how God loves, how He loves. (JOHN 17:20-26!!)
oh, that every person would put their faith in Christ! does not something in your heart leap at the music that flows from this distant but real future for those who have believed?!
but y’all. suddenly, there’s no more frantic hurry to maximize the happiness of every passing day, to cross off all the million things on my bucket list, because my best days are guaranteed to come after death! no more reducing others to their worst quality, because the worst is passing! these glorious, mysterious truths change everything, everything.
i cannot describe the deep peace and comfort that i have, too, knowing that His very spirit abides in me (1 John 3:9), and that this is the reason i have any strength at all to walk on this earth with all its whispered lies and quiet seductions that beg me to turn away from my God, my Father. but i never shall, because God has already won me, already rebuilt my heart to house his Spirit. so take that.